The Lonely - TWO [END]



JEONGHAN


I ran. Ran. Ran. And ran.

I didn’t know why, either. Maybe panic. Seeing Wonwoo suddenly coming and beating Leo-hyung so violently really shocked me. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to meet him face to face. I was too...embarrassed.

Embarrassed on everything. On myself who is nothing more than a garbage. On myself who is too weak and useless. And the fact that I am such a coward.

I shouldn’t have refused Leo-hyung when he asked me to have sex earlier. Upon returning from work in the convenience store, I went straight to my room ready to sleep. I explained that I was too tired and had a morning shift tomorrow. But Leo-hyung won’t listen, he was angry and forced me to serve his depraved lust instead. And somehow―perhaps as fast as lightning, he suddenly had slapped me. Cursed me. Various insults and swearing came out of his mouth. Starting from garbage, outcast, ‘till useless whore.

"How dare you reject me?! Damn bitch! You should be glad I asked you to have sex!" Leo-hyung yelled, despising. "Oh, or do you prefer that man's dick you met in the park than mine, huh?!"

I, who saw the fury in Leo-hyung's eyes only able to lower my head in fear, swallowed deeply. Crying.

"H-hyung...I'm sorry...I...I really don’t―"

Before I finished my sentence, Leo-hyung has punched me in the face. So strong. Made me limp for a moment before falling on the floor. He hit my face once again. This time was wilder than before, made me even more panicked. But Leo-hyung didn’t care about it and kept hitting my frail body all over again.

"H-hyung...p-please stop―"

Again. Leo-hyung just slapped my cheek. And the sound of the slap, perhaps able of being heard till out of the house.

He did not show mercy, he grabbed my hair roughly, then dragged me out of the house. His big hand clutched my jaws so strongly as if it could crush the bones inside.

"Whore! I’ve told you many times that I don’t accept rejection!"

I cried louder, shook my head with all the remaining strength. "Hyung...hyung...please..."

My heart was broken. So broken that made me only able to sob pathetically without daring to expect the impossible help. Leo-hyung's dark eyes was full of mist lust, leaving no pity.

"Trash! Useless whore!"

And that was, when Leo-hyung was going to smash my head against the wall in front of the house, ready to crack it, Wonwoo suddenly emerged. Surprised me as well as Leo-hyung. Stopping the pain for a second, made my brain blank for a second. His face was raging with full of anger like a wild wolf, punching Leo-hyung as if there's no tomorrow. I was horrified by the sight. I was afraid...

And then with all the cowardice that had been planted on me since I was a little, I ran...leaving both of them...

Oh God...if only I had the guts to kill myself...

I slowed my pace when I realized that my breath began spurting in shorts. I cried, repeatedly choked by my own blood. Repeatedly wiping the blood that came out through my nose and mouth.

The downtown area was lit by neon lights. As I walk and walk along the concrete pavements, I passed a bunch of teenagers. Teenagers who wanted to ‘find themselves’, losing in the beats of the loud street music and the drops of alcohol.

"Where do I go now?" I asked myself, "Home?"

At that point, I didn’t even know where or what that was. Perhaps I’m gonna cruise through this city aimlessly as I waited for the sun to forgo its light for the moon’s.

I winced again, holding back the pain Leo-hyung had caused. Restrain the pain inside my heart.

Pathetic. Life is really pathetic and unfair. Everything went under the patriarchy system. The social system that places Alpha as the ultimate powerholder and dominates in all roles of life while using Omega as their entertainer.

I was born under a very very thick roof of patriarchy. Mr. Kang, the late owner of the orphanage I now live in was the one who dominated everything that went on inside the building. I, the only Omega in the orphanage, have been forced to serve his lust and other occupants for years. Being a sex slave. While the blow would land on my face if I refuse their orders.

At first, Mr. Kang loved to caress my head and buy me various snacks: candy and chips containing msg. The little me knew that candy is not good for teeth, and msg is not good for the brain, but I didn’t care. Besides, I also didn’t have parents who would buy me snacks. So, the little me only nod of the snacks he offered. Because in my eyes, Mr. Kang was the ideal figure of a father.

He often asked me to sit on his lap. As he told me about some child's fairy tale, his hand would stroke my thigh. I would feel ticklish and tell him to stop. But he did not care. So was the other occupants.

Until the day when my virginity was first taken away...

I remembered, that day was still in summer. After school, I saw seven blackbirds lining anxiously on the roof of the orphanage. As if it was a bad omen. A warning for me. Then, as I entered my room, Mr. Kang was already sitting at the edge of my bed. It was quiet. The other nine occupants of the orphanage were nowhere to be seen.

"Close your eyes. You won’t feel any pain."Mr. Kang lied. I felt tremendous pain down there. And still hurt even though my eyes have closed. I screamed. The old man then banging my head against the wall. I screamed again. He banged my head again. Again. Again. I almost fainted from the unbearable pain.

I could feel anything on the inside. I was nauseated, I was dizzy. My stomach clenched; there was hollowness at the base of my throat, warning me I was about to explode. I was breathing quickly. I was trembling.

And for the first time at that time, I finally understood one thing: Omega was a mistake. Mr. Kang had ripped me out. Left me exposed, a naked Omega, a living body full of sorrow―a sculpted face, dead eyes, and flesh couldn’t make anything but a hollow shell.

I’m not a human.

I’m just a low Omega beyond the lowest slave.

And although Mr. Kang had died five years ago while this orphanage was not an orphanage anymore but an ordinary house that I live in with Leo-hyung―the only remaining occupants of the orphanage, I still like to cry whenever I remember that day. Ten years old but already dirty. Ten years old but already disgusting.

In term of education, too, I only finished school up to junior high. Leo-hyung had told me that I just need to focus on serving him on the bed. Can you see how patriarchy had created injustice against Omega like me?

Ah, not only that. There was another thing that made me so traumatized until now. A regret. A regret I would never mend for life.

Three years ago. I was only seventeen then. I was pregnant. It was the child I had with Leo-hyung. I decided not to abort it because the baby had done nothing wrong.

At first, I thought Leo-hyung would probably soften after the birth of our son. But no. On the contrary, because of the presence of the baby, it made him more unpleasant being at home. He was very disturbed by the baby's wailing. He got more often went home so late. Sometimes in a messy state like he just having an affair with someone else.

Until one day, Leo-hyung couldn’t bear to hear our child's cries anymore. He was angry―angrier than usual. Fury. He yelled out loud that afternoon. I, who was a timid cowardly person could only surrender, lowering my head deeply while sobbing. Leo-hyung scolded me for such a long moment, until finally he was fed up and went to bang the door of the house out loud. Leaving me alone with tears in my eyes.

However, I didn’t let the crying take over. Why would I weep for him? Why should I demand his impossible affection? So I thought at the time. I have a child now. I'd better get rid of my stressful thoughts on Leo-hyung. I have to focus on my son. It didn’t matter if Leo-hyung refused to take care of me and our son.

I went to Hwan, my crying child in the room. Holding the little boy, rocking him gently, then humming a song. When Hwan's crying had subsided, I carried his small frame into the bathroom, intended to take a bath together. Yeah, taking a bath with Hwan would be nice.

I put my little baby on top of my chest, caressing his back gently while I laid in the bathtub of warm water. Sometimes I would laugh to myself when I see the cute behavior of Hwan who was barely eight months.

Long enough we remained in that position. Until gradually I fell asleep in the tub.

An hour maybe.

I didn’t know how long have I been asleep. When I woke up, I realized that I was still naked inside the bathtub while Hwan was still on my chest. Soon I gasped at the sight of my baby's body. I changed my position into a sit and shook Hwan's body gently. I panicked. He didn’t move. His small body was stiff and cold. I got up from the tub and covered my baby with a white towel.

"Baby...wake up," I muttered in panic while rocking Hwan's body like a mother who’s easing the cry of their baby.

But no. Hwan was not crying. The baby was silent, not moving at all. His body turned pale, his lips slightly blue because of drowning and freezing. My knee dropped instantly. Kneeling on the floor while still holding Hwan's small frame. Crying.

"Baby...wake up..."

Like a mantra, I kept saying that phrase, patting Hwan's back softly as I slumped. Couldn’t stop calling my dead son.

When Leo-hyung came home in the middle of the night, I was sitting on the sofa, covered in a bathrobe while Hwan was in my arms. My face probably looked so messed up from crying, dark circle under my eyes like a dead person.

Leo-hyung approached me. When his hand almost grabbed my face, I said, "He died."

He was dead silent for a moment. And it was the first time I saw Leo-hyung startled to say anything. He was surprised. The man then opened the towel that wrapped around his little baby, our baby...Right. Hwan has died. No more breath has come out from Hwan's nose. His body was stiff.

He looked up at me, asking, "What have you done?" with probing eyes like I was the only suspect behind Hwan's death.

I was just silent. Tears coming out without I could restrain. Sobbing again.

Not wanting anyone else to know, Leo-hyung finally lifted Hwan's body and took him away to the backyard. Luckily, our home was on the edge of the city and quite far from the neighbors. He then dug a deep hole and buried Hwan's stiff body into it.

At that time, I could only silence seeing everything was done by Leo-hyung. My mind was blank. My heart was hollow.

People didn’t care about what has happened in there, as well as about what happened to my baby. They chose to be quiet, not bother to care of all the bad things that happen to me. Closed their eyes closed their ears. Ah, even though there such a miracle that will make them open their eyes, people will surely join to strip and beat me when the opportunity comes. Besides, Alpha has the right to do anything about this Omega dirty body, right?

Besides, it is indeed the fate of my life...

I had been walking for long enough in silence, somehow I ended up in this park again. The park that the last two weeks has always been my meeting place with Wonwoo, the stone-faced but friendly guy.

For the past two weeks, my days in this city have become a little colored by his presence. Although his face looked like stone and cold, but no. Wonwoo could turn very humorous at one time and show a very funny expression. I like when he smiles. I like when he threw some silly jokes.

However, when one day Leo-hyung accidentally caught me seeing the guy in this park, it was very hard for me to part with him. Leo-hyung threatened to harm Wonwoo if I didn’t stop seeing him.

In silence, I sat in this park. On the same bench where the first time Wonwoo and I met. I was wearing faded-gray jeans and a long white sleeve shirt. He was wearing dark blue jeans with a gray short-sleeved shirt. We sat side by side, our eyes were the same, pointing forward to the park flowers. Until slowly Wonwoo opened his voice and the story flowed about his family.

He did not tell me about himself. He told me about his mother. How his mother forced Wonwoo to marry someone he did not love. How his father who usually did not get along with his mother also approve of the arranged marriage. Ah, what was the man's name? Ren. Yeah, Ren. Such a lucky man to get someone like Wonwoo.

Wonwoo and his parents were two separate groups. He used to live in the midst of his troubled family. Accustomed to big quarrels that would end by themselves. "Humans are like that," I responded. "We live because we're used to it. We hate annoying people but still accept them. Because they are part of our life." Although deep down, I was never used to the bad things that had happened to me until now.

This park was Wonwoo’s first-time visit. Meanwhile, I've been here a dozen times. He would always look amazed at the flower that blooms in the middle of the park―although he had teased me by saying how ugly the flower was. He’s silly, fun, but also nice.

Wonwoo, through his eyes, made me unable to refuse to stop coming to this park. Many things he offered through his eyes. About togetherness, about life without burden, limitless freedom, the journey to the end of the rainbow. There's only Wonwoo and me―together along each edge of the dream.

I sighed. Ah, why did I suddenly think of him? Silly. Yet all this time I always managed to separate between dreams and reality. I never dared to have a great dream. For in a dream, I would be shattered by the overflowing hopes of disappointment. While reality would always dash me back to the ground. Slamming hard that often made my heart crumble without a trace. No matter how much I want to be loved or least appreciated, life is still cruel. Not like stories in a fairy tale.

I sat on the bench for a while. When I realized small drops began to fall on my body, I decided to get up and start walking trying to find some shelter.

However, fate is indeed cruel. Very cruel. Like I said earlier.

Not more than a couple of blocks along, I sensed I was being followed. The light was dim. So dim that it feels like I was walking in a dead town. The teenagers who had gathered, now nowhere. Quiet.

I increased my walking pace, a bit difficult with the pain along my body.

And with no exit points or safe havens, panic began to rise. Always have a plan you idiot, my brain had told me. This had been my mantra for years.

What to do?

Passing a café all locked and in darkness, I heard footsteps getting louder. I could tell it was not just one person but several. They were running toward me. Fight or flight instinct took over. I began to run. But I didn’t get very far. An uneven footpath was my undoing and I tripped.

In slow motion I tried to steady myself but to no avail. Gravity won and down I went with a thud. My hand went out to save me and immediately felt painful.

I bit my lower lip and whimpers in pain when I realized my knee started to bleed.

My heart pounding so hard. Of course, this was not the first time that it had happened to me, chased by some bad people. But still, it scared me easily every time it happens. Omega born to be a slave after all. I have no right to live like a human but as an outward, dumpster.

“Wow, such a cutie here!” The voice was deep in my ear. As he said that, I hear other voices too, they were laughing.

I tried to get up and running as fast as I can, but couldn’t. My head suddenly began spinning and the new wound in my knee didn’t help a single bit.

"Fuck, you smell good!" The man grabbed my upper arm, forcing me to stand up. As my body spun, I saw the five men behind him looking at me with lust.

Suddenly, I could feel tears rolled down on my cheeks. I kept my eyes down―years of conformity had taught me I should not argue back or raise my voice.

Another three men approached us. Towering me. Trying to take a better vision of my body that trembled in fear. Then four. I remained in my position, cowardly position.

I wanted to speak—wanted to move, but I couldn’t. It’s gonna be a dead end if I fight. They were six. And I was just one. Two men managed to grip my hair so harsh. The other two grimace while looking at my teary eyes.

"P-please..." my voice was trembling. I’m scared...I’m scared... "Please..." I beg, tried to wriggle. However, instead of letting go, my stomach got kicked.

I choked instantly, and I could feel blood inside my mouth. My face was full of tears. Sobbing.

A second later, one of them dragged my body violently. I struggled. Sobbing unbearably while the men just laugh and ridicule me. I tried to struggle again. Shrieked. Kicking. Battering. But it didn’t work. Instead, the man stopped for a second and slapped my face very hard. The corner of my lips bled. Salty.

"What was that?" The man shifted closer, his fingers interlaced in my messy hair. "You don't like it, huh? I thought you’re a slut! A dirty little slut asking for this!" To emphasize, the man gave me a sharp tug, bending my head back uncomfortably. Making it difficult to swallow or breathe. I closed my eyes, hoping that these men would get bored and move on. Although it was such an impossible prayer.

The night was eerie, a stiff silence weighing down on the wandering souls of the city. The cold sent shivers up my spine. I learned long ago that even if I shouted, no one would ever come. Not that because no one heard, I believe one or two people might hear if I shouted. But, this is a cruel world. People would never care about others lives. My business is mine. Your business is yours. As simple as that.

I could hear chuckling in the background. One of the men was laughing maliciously, a big scar lingered on his scary face.

The man that had gripped my hair shoved a knee between my thighs. “You're such a fucking filthy omega. Wandering alone at night just so you can be fucked by rich Alpha and get some money!"

His degrading words hurt, but it wasn't something I wasn't used to. "C’mon don’t play an act. I can fuck you senseless right here right now and no one would even care!"

I swallowed deeply hearing those sentences, sniffling even more.

He then suddenly crashed chapped lips onto mine, slapped me when I didn’t open my mouth. The kiss was acrid, interlaced with alcohol and bitterness.

I instinctively brought my hands up, pushing against the firm chest pressing onto mine. Of course it failed. I only succeeded in crushing my fragile wrist against the heavy figure. It was futile.

"P-please let go..." I muttered after the man detached himself from my lips. Trembling.

"What?” The man genuinely seemed offended by it. He snarled, a sickening smirk on his face. And a second later I could feel my hair being ripped out of its place, the man pulled my hair even harsh. My eyes were now completely red. H-u-r-t. The throbbing soreness in my head was now more prominent than ever.

"You were bred to be submissive!" The man leaned closer, making sure his voice sounded sharply in my ear.

Then, without I even conscious, they already dragged me to a silent dim alleyway. I soon curled up my body like a fetus feeling intimidated by six men towering me.

One man knelt―the same man as before who had kicked me in the stomach. I assume, he must be the leader of the gang. His big hands tracing my face.

"P-please..." I stammered in raspy, broken voice. I wanted to get away from here, trying to get up from my sleeping position only to be pushed down back. I fell on the dirty alleyway again.

Panic wrapped my entire body. "Please...please...I don’t want this..."

But, whether too focused on me or intentionally ignoring me, he began to remove his clothing instead. Tossing it on the ground.

My eyes widen as the big man crawled on top of me. My heart was pounding. I knew what will happen. I freaking knew.

"N-no..." My voice still stammered. I cried and begged. "Please don’t do this. P-please..."

But the man didn’t listen. Instead, he crawled on top of my body, ignoring my pleads completely. His hand grabbed my shirt, then tore it in just one try. My chest was now exposed. Then down to my pants. He unbuttoned, lowered the zipper, and took it off. Tossing the pants on the ground, making me now completely naked. Without any piece of cloth.

I could feel my eyes heat up, panic took over. My chest unbeknowingly raced. I tried to fight again. Struggled, kicking with both legs. "Stop it! Stop it! Don’t touch me!"

Stop it!

One of the man’s eyebrow lifted, he smiled sarcastically as if to say that my request was the most impossible thing in the world. "Oh, I won’t, honey. Just be a good boy and you will feel good. I assure you."

“No...don’t! Stop! I don’t―” My eyes felt really puffy because of crying. Panic. My voice grew more and more hoarse when the man won’t listen to my shouts.

I struggled, but another man came and held my hands. The sound of crying and wailing kept coming out from my mouth. Frustrated begging the man to let me go.

What should I do? What should I do?

His eyes were raging with full of lust. His huge hands started to fondle my body. He kissed my neck, chest, abdomen, to the crotch. I struggled again. But this man wasn’t bothered by the small insults I made. Of course I would lose compared to his muscular and strong body.

He started playing with my bottom part. Sometimes sucking and biting on my thighs. One finger. Two fingers. Then three fingers. He did it without any lotion or other lubricants. His treatment was rough, made me let out a loud scream. A painful scream. A pathetic sob. It really hurts. So hurt. My hands clutched to the ground with all my might, causing my nails also hurt.

Please, stop...

I bit the bottom of my lips to endure the pain, whilst the man was still violent thrust his length inside my body. Please stop...I really don’t want to be treated like this. I never offered my self like what they had told. Being ab*sed. My heart was broke. I shouldn’t have run. I should just stay. I should ask for help to Wonwoo.

Pathetic. This was all my fault for being such a coward. If only I listened to every single thing Leo-hyung had said. If only I didn’t run. If only...

I cried. Sobbing as I thought about ‘should have’ and ‘if only’. My body was really dirty. Not just the outside, but the inside too.

I want to die...

I decided to stop thinking. Stopped trying. I drifted through the seconds in a gray mist, awake but not awake, unmoving but uncaring. I made lists. People I knew. People I hated. Words started with the letter Q. I tried to make a list of all the bad things that befall on me. And then my brain told me I was dirty. And weak. And terrifying. And disgusting.

Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

The man repeatedly did that as my mind drifted. Didn’t care that I was barely able to keep my eyes open. Didn’t care that I might die because of him. He kept penetrate me. Blowj*b. Hit. Penetrate me. Blowj*b. Hit. Up ‘till more than three rounds. Until he rose from my body and intend to alternate with his gang.

In the end, no one can help me...